What’s New, Pussycat?
I felt I had to write and update you guys as to my recent life developments and upheavals, of which there have been many. The following anecdote really sums up the ridiculousness and chaos that has been my life as of late:
So I drove to Houston late last night to visit my parents for my mother’s birthday (which is today! Happy Birthday mom!) and arrived at 11pm. The first thing my parents said to me was “you shouldn’t be driving late at night when it’s dark.” The second thing my mom said to me was “so, is Eric looking for apartments for you and he in New York?” Uhm, no mom, we broke up. Remember how I have told you that approximately 50 times? Yea.
Anyway, they go to bed, I watch TV until 2am. This morning they go to work and around 1pm my mom calls me to pick her up from work. My car is full of boxes and trinkets that I decided to move home to divest myself of all the worldly things that clutter my life so I throw on a pair of denim shorts that are too big for me and someone elses flip flops and go to work. After unloading my car, I decide to begin moving all the boxes inside the house which is right around the time that I discover I am locked out of the house with no cell phone and no bra on.
Since I cannot call my mother to discover the location of the spare key, I spend about 20 minutes rummaging around our huge, dusty garage searching every nook and corner for the key. Above shelves, in the fridge, under some bricks, etc etc. No dice. I go to the neighbor’s house to borrow a phone but because I am bra-less, wearing damp shorts that had not fully dried from the laundry, and am covered in bruises, they did not answer the door, believing, most likely, that I am a homeless drug addict.
At this point I really felt I had exhausted all of my options so I took my clothes off and hopped in the pool in my underwear. It’s 100 degrees outside and I had just been lugging boxes around, ok? After swimming 15 laps and flopping about in the water, I throw my shorts back on and head back to the garage for Round 2 of The Great Key Debacle of 2011. At this point I have inadvertently created, participated in, and won my own wet t-shirt contest. I don’t find the key and the garage door is broken so I keep pressing the button and it keeps closing halfway and then rattling back up to the top.
I go back to the pool and think about how my life today is like some ridiculous, bad comedy movie starring Anna Faris. Eventually the neighbor’s daughter comes out and I borrow her phone and call my mom and get in the house.
Just another Friday afternoon.
Here are some other things that have been going on:
- My boyfriend and I broke up
- I quit my job
- I moved out of my house and into a shitty shithole
- I postponed my move
- I got a flat tire
- I went to Marfa
- My best friend moved to NYC
- I accidentally lost about 10lbs because of stress/poverty/sad (best diet ever?) and now all my clothes are too big for me and I need to go shopping but I can’t because I’m unemployed
Now that we’ve cleared the air and everyone’s been brought up to date I feel like we can really move on into a new, honest phase of our relationship! I’ll be back soon with some content you’ll all give a shit about.
In the mean time, a huge word of thanks to all the magnificent friends in my life who have been the most phenomenal support system a girl could ask for: Matt for staying up with me and talking and offering good advice, Abby for taking me drinking and being a good listener and wise beyond her years, John for drunk texting me words of love from Chicago, Julia for spending over an hour on the phone with me from LA and knowing how to fix everything, KB for coming over and sitting and listening to me while I cried and lost my mind, Priya for distracting me with booze and kittens and yoga, Megan for being supportive and buying me tacos, Leslie for letting me cry on her for hours and taking me to Trudy’s, Ben Dobbin for hugs, Alexis for letting me be crazy and taking me to Nasty’s and being patient with me, Gina for offering a place to stay whenever I need one, Lina for Jersey Shore and getting drunk with me, and everyone else I may have missed. I love you all very much even if I’m a cynical asshole who never says it out loud.
